Riad Sattouf (1) vs. Pele; the Japanese dude who won the hot dog eating contest advances

Lots of good arguments in favor of Bruce, but then this came from Noah:

Hot-dog-garbled speech from Kobayashi recounting disgusting stories about ingesting absurdly large numbers of unchewed sausages and wet buns vs the gravelly, dulcet tones of New Jersey’s answer to John Mellencamp telling touching, timeless tales of musical world tours? The Boss in a landslide.

New Jersey’s answer to John Mellencamp?? That doesn’t seem so great. I’ll have to go with J Storrs:

Aha! we’ve come down to a Roomba versus a goomba. After Springsteen rides his suicide machine, they’ll have to put him in a tomb-ah, where the dude would simply continue sucking up crumb-ahs. Either way he wins.

The Roomba it is. Sure, he’s no Bruce Springsteen. But, on the plus side, he’s not David Blaine either!

And now, for our other semifinal: the cartoonist or the footballer, who will it be?

Again, we’re trying to pick the best seminar speaker. Here are the rules and here’s the bracket: